Yesterday marked a year to the day that I had my first dose of chemotherapy. It is a strange feeling and a bit emotional. The last year has been very odd. I feel like although it has been a blur I can also remember exactly how I felt through certain times like it was yesterday. The fear, the lack of control, the feeling so poorly, the lack of sleep even though I was shattered, the lack of normality (and hair!), the sadness and worry of my family, the being in and out of hospital for more infusions due to the chemo depleting me, the not being able to eat or drink much more than ice lollies, yoghurt and Special K, the chemical smell that followed me around for 5 months and just not knowing what each day would bring.
However, I also remember my support systems: my partner, my friends, my family and the glimmers of hope that things were going to get better and the intensive treatment was going to work. I enjoyed my garden from the sofa and loved seeing things growing. I didnt enjoy the slugs eating my chillis (remember them!??)
I’m a little tearful as I write this blog. Happy tears mainly, and I am emotional about most things at the moment! I have been told I have some PTSD from all the treatment. I am unable to park in the hospital car park as it floods me with anxiety of going into the oncology unit for treatment. This Monday will be my last Herceptin injection which I have been having every 3 weeks for a year. Every time I go to the unit, I smell that smell, and it takes me right back to that time. I had to get rid of my sofa throw as, even though it had been washed, it smelled of chemo and I couldn’t cope with it.
But here I am, exactly a year on. I’m healthy, my hair is growing back (kind of wildly!) and I am finding my joy again in the things I have missed. I am doing my PT sessions in the park with the loveliest clients, and I love it. We have returned to gigs, having holidays, meeting friends for walks and swimming. I’m not up mountains, running or cycling yet but I’m sure that will happen in time. We had a fantastic trip to Alnwick recently where we went on a boat trip to the Farne Islands and saw the puffins. Cute little guys 🙂 and got pecked on the head by cross turns protecting their nests.
https://www.farne-islands.com/
I am fatigued and a little achy from the drugs (not to mention the night sweats, thanks tamoxifen!) and treatment, but I am enjoying my life. The last year has taught me a lot. I am finding joy in the simplest and smallest of things, appreciating everything and everybody in my life who I align with. Saying no to things I can’t feel like I can manage is part of learning self-compassion, I have finished my counselling through cancer care and have moved onto CBT via the NHS talking therapies. It is helpful. I am also still mediating.
My boy surprised me in March by coming back from Australia a month earlier than I expected him to. He was waiting for me on the stairs when I came home from work. After recovering from a near heart attack when I opened the door, it was fabulous to see him. He missed most of my treatment with being in Australia for 10 months, which I am glad about. I didn’t have to put on a brave face when I felt like crap.
I am nourishing myself inside and out now. Recovery will take quite some time and I won’t be the same person as I used to be but in some ways that’s a positive thing. Things like this make us grow as people and apreciate what is important in life, and what really isn’t.
I feel so grateful, I say this a lot, but I feel it in every cell, for the people who have pulled me kicking and crying through this shit show and that the amazing treatment worked. It had helped me hugely to share my story in the last year. It was like emptying my head of all my thoughts, and if that has helped some people along the way then even better! So, lets grab life by the balls and make it count!
