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I can see the end…. A few days ago, I had chemo round 5 infused into my veins. I am still sitting here on my sofa looking out into the garden. The weather has changed a bit since those first couple of posts. The sky is still blue (today!) but the temperature has dropped a bit. My hydrangeas have faded and my chillis gave up the ghost after being munched by too many slugs! My beautiful sunflowers are blooming though and being visited by bees! I love seeing bees in my garden.

Before this recent infusion my magnesium and phosphate had dropped quite a lot. I started taking supplements, but it soon became apparent that they were badly affecting my (already unhappy) tummy. So, after trying them for a week or so I stopped them. The magnesium did start picking up a bit, but the phosphate was still very low, so infusions were discussed. The affect on my tummy from the supplements had made it drop even lower. After a repeat blood test, and it was marginally improved, we are holding off on the 6-hour infusion. Which I’m pleased about!

I’m trying to eat iron, magnesium and phosphate rich foods, which is tricky when you don’t have an appetite and when I feel like eating something it is usually something quite random!

I am feeling better mentally this time round, I can see an end to part one of this shitty journey. There is a long way to go yet and there will be plenty of low points I’m sure, but I feel like this part is being ticked off as done. My PICC line will be able to be removed. It will be great to have a soak, maybe a little swim when I feel up to it, and generally have my arm back!

I absolutely can’t wait to start getting back to my usual activities, in whatever shape they take now. I will need to recover from surgery and radiotherapy and continue with 3 weekly injections or infusions for 8 months. Some normality will hopefully return back after what seems like a very long time. Of course, there is still worry about what the chemo is doing to my heart and other bits of my body, and what I will be like afterwards. Apparently, we are never the same, it will be a new normal. But I can work with that. The drugs seem to be affecting my eyesight, but the oncologist has said it should improve after treatment finishes.

An MRI was performed last week to check progress, still waiting for results of that, and then am due to see the surgeon regarding what surgery will be required. Fingers crossed the little beast is being destroyed!

Due to how I was feeling mentally, I signed up to do a course with MacMillan called The Hope Programme. It covers all sorts of helpful topics, dealing with stress, reframing thoughts and mindfulness. It is proving beneficial to me now. I’ve also started my counselling with Cancer Care which is good to do. It just provides a safe space for me to let go of things that are running through my head, without overloading friends or family and stops things building up. The link to The Hope Programme is here.

We enjoyed a nice night away camping in Hawes just before this round. We had a fire pit and sat out for the evening drinking non alcholic red wine. It was really cold, and the weather turned during the night but it was so nice to get away from the house for a bit and do something normal (for us!). We watched a barn owl flying over our campsite. Wonderful! Looking forward to more nice times.

I think many of us are not good at self-compassion and that is another thing I have been learning to do. Give myself a break. If not now, then when? I am back to meditating and need to get my guitar out again. It is tricky with the PCC line as it rubs against the guitar. Ill get back to it though. Bit by bit. A link to other posts is here.

Hello again, I had round 4 of my chemotherapy 2 days ago and as I didn’t write anything after round 3, I thought I would post an update. This isnt meant to be a pity party at all, it is just an honest account of my last few weeks and it might help someone going through this and to know that going through bad patches are normal.

Round 3 was difficult and I really hit a low, which is why I didn’t feel like writing anything. I think I just went down a bit of a hole mentally. My body was tired and uncooperative, but the main thing was how I felt mentally. I felt like I had come so far but still had so far to go and questioned whether I had another 3 rounds left in me. I was feeling tearful and overwhelmed by everything. The diagnosis, treatment and long-term implications of both.

Recently, someone I cared about died in her mid-40s from cancer and watching her funeral made me so very sad. I felt desperately sad for her friends, family and young daughter but also, selfishly for myself (what if my treatment doesn’t work etc). I guess it made it all feel very real and that we just don’t know what is around the corner. This process has undoubtably highlighted the important things in life and that we need to live in a way that we wish and makes us happiest (as much as possible). Life can be so cruel and unfair!

In the last three weeks I haven’t done much self-care, not played my guitar, not read my book much, not meditated, and just have not felt like me. But that gets into a viscous circle, the less you do, the less you feel like doing and the worse you feel! I went for a massage at the amazing Cancer Care a couple of weeks ago and when the therapist asked me how I ‘really’ was. I cried, a lot. It all just flooded out like a bit tidal wave. I did feel better though! I’m now booked in for some counselling instead of massage.

Many of us put on a brave face don’t we, sometimes we don’t know we are doing it. We just get through things and take a deep breath, which we do need to do. But I think it is so important to talk openly about how we feel about these situations, about how totally shit it is, without trying to protect how others feel. For the link to the cancercare website click here.

I was missing my life, and normality. I miss swimming, hiking, running, concerts, going out. It will be so good getting those things back. I’m such an active, busy person normally so it feels like I’ve lost who I am a bit. But making plans helps me to see that these things will return. I am working from home and that gives me some focus and direction and a bit of normality.

This appointment made me go home and plan how to help myself and get myself out of this hole. However many help groups etc we are in, ultimatly we have to help ourselves. I am back to meditating twice a day which I had been doing for around a year. I love making time for this, it is like a mind reset every day. I’ve got my new books out. I try to walk every day anyway, even if it just around my estate, it helps so much.

We have booked a weekend away and plan to go camping in a few weeks for two nights and to go away after chemo before surgery. I’ve planned to meet up with a friend (we have never met before) I have made on the breast cancer support forum; we chat several times a day. We are on the same treatment and number of rounds so we constantly swap notes. It is a huge help. I can’t wait to meet you, Tracey!

On round 4 it was discovered that my magnesium is low, so I am now taking supplements and I do think that is improving how I am feeling. I do feel more positive now, I have to. The treatment does seem to be working and the oncologist agrees that the lump is smaller, which is great. Chemotherapy is very brutal but very clever, and it does work for so many people!

 I am waiting for an MRI and to see the surgeon to discuss what surgery will be needed. There is still a long road ahead, but I am now over halfway through the chemo bit! Only two more yukky cocktails left.

Onwards and upwards. It’s the only way. I am forever thankful for the wonderful people in my life, and I know I am very lucky to have them. I am feeling much better now I am planning things and that I can see an end to this first part of my journey 😊

To read about session 2 click here

Today, I am 6 days on from my second round of chemotherapy. After having a few days on the sofa feeling sorry for myself I thought I would write my blog. The sun is shining at last, although I can’t seem to tolerate the sun at the moment. I havent been out but have been lying on my sofa looking out at my garden and pots of flowers. I love this room; it is light and airy, and I enjoy lying here feeling the breeze through the door. The cats wander in and out frequently to meow at me or look at their food bowl.

I have lovely family photos on one wall and one of my mum’s fabulous paintings on another (clever mum). My sofa points towards the door so I can prop up on cushions and look straight ahead into my garden. The washing is drying on the line and my chilli plants are sunbathing. The ones that haven’t been eaten by slugs anyway! That is another story!

After seeing the oncologist last week, they decided to reduce my chemotherapy due to previous dehydration due to tummy issues. I was slightly reluctant in case it was less effective. However, they reassured me it was better than having a break in treatment due to side-effects.

I went a few days before my treatment, to have my PICC line inserted. This is a cannula that is fed into a vein in the arm and into a large vein in the chest, above the heart. I was not keen on having this, initially, but the medication is so toxic it can ruin perfectly good veins. My veins are lovely! So, I wanted to keep them. My hand is still sore and swollen from the first session, so I thought it the best option. It was supposed to me a half hour procedure, but in line with how my body reacts to medical things, mine wouldn’t go in! It got stuck somewhere near my shoulder.

After lots of pulling it out and pushing it back in it was eventually in but needed an Xray to check. I have now got used to the little friend in my arm and it doesn’t bother me unless I lean on it. It is much easier for treatment and bloods, and it should stay in until my final dose (that day cannot come soon enough).

A few days before treatment I also buzz cut my hair, as it had started falling out in clumps. When I say ‘I’, Jane popped round and did the deed in my back garden. It felt odd. To start with I was ok, it’s just hair. Then I wasn’t ok….. I looked like a patient.

Treatment day came and went. All went ok except I developed a rash which needed checking. I think my body was reacting to the steroids a little bit. I had some different sickness medications to take home this time. Tummy issues have returned but hopefully I can manage it without the dehydration this time. I stopped worrying about my lack of hair once I had feeling rough to worry about! Before my treatment started, I received a box of treats from a company called Little Lifts. It is for people going through cancer treatment. The bits in the box are wonderful and it contains things you wouldn’t know you would need. Lip balm, hand cream, mints, gentle toothpaste, hot pack and loads of other treats. I’ve dipped into this box many times and will do many times to come. Link to Little Lifts is here.

Helen picked me up after treatment with a wonderful bunch of sunflowers and cake. Friends and family messaged me often to check my well being and my wonderful neighbour Yasmin came round with homemade soup and healing thoughts.

Once again though I am turning a corner and starting to feel a little but more myself. Yesterday, my guitar came out for the first time in a while and played some of Boulevard of Broken Dreams. I’ve also restarted reading my book ‘Wintering’, Katherine May. Although we are in the middle of July, Wintering is around hibernating and hunkering down. That is exactly what I feel like doing at the moment. Resetting and healing myself. Sometimes we just need to listen to what our bodies need.

Morning, I am sitting here in my lounge at 5am, looking out of my double doors into my little garden, sipping weak tea (coffee tastes foul at the moment) and writing my thoughts down from the last couple of months. The giant daisies are blooming well, I have a few pots of wild flowers popping up and my hydrangia is starting to show its pink bloom. I am no gardener but I love flowers (and pretty weeds) so I don’t do much to my garden except plant a few things and sit in it! I love my lavender as the bees visit it often and it reminds me of lovely times in France.

It has been a rocky couple of months and it was only at 4.30am this morning that I woke up and thought, I want to write about it now. So lets begin. This is a long one so get comfy (and a weak tea!).

At just after 50 years old I had my first mammogram (don’t worry I’m not going to go back too far!) 🙂 It was all fine. So we thought. Fast forward two years and I felt a sizeable lump in my boob. I was recovering from my foot operation so it was more like ‘Oh what now’ rather than, ‘Oh, a lump, lets get that checked out’. I’d already had fun and games going back and forth to the GP with HRT/coil issues. It just felt like another thing to see the GP about. So I left it, for a while, until it wasnt for going away.

So, onto a two week wait I went, that is the cancer pathway for anyone with anything that could be suspiscious gets referred to, and it does seem to work well. I presumed it would be like the last lump I had and just be a harmless lump. How can it be cancer?? However, at the scan I felt that this wasnt going to be the case. The radiologist left a titanium marker in the lump, measured it with scans and took three biposies (ouch). and had another mammogram (extra ouch after the three biopsies!).

Results day came and I was so anxious I was almost sick in the waiting room. Not knowing, I think, is the worst thing. Knowing it was something, but not know what! We went in and a nurse was there with the consultant. Oh no, a nurse there….

They were lovely and explained that I had Grade 2 invasive ductal cancer….but that it is treatable with an intent to cure. Bursting into tears of relief, I had hung onto the words ‘intent to cure’. I had spent a couple of weeks imagining all sorts of scenarios. Minds are horrible places sometimes. I was stressed and highly anxious. The team at the oncology unit, breast cancer unit and Macmillan are fabulous and are being very supportive. The link for Macmillan is here if you want it.

Next came the MRI scan to accurately measure the size of the little bugger and formulate a treatment plan around that. If you havent had an MRI on your boobs, you get told to lie on your front on a table with two massive holes in it. I tried to break the ice by saying ‘Youre not expecting me to fill those are you?’ Then realised I had my gown on back to front and forgot my name. Its weird being a patient. I dont think I make a very good one. I knew it would be surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, a year of injections and 5-10 years of tablets, we just didnt know which order. Thats a lot to take in for someone who barely takes a paracetamol!

Unfortunatly the MRI scan showed it to be double in size than what they had measured on the first scan…chemotherapy here we come. The other things will come later. It needed to be shrunk down a bit first.

A couple of days before my first session we decided to have a night away in Almouth. I wanted to be by the sea, it is a calming place. I was so anxious, waiting is horrible. It was a good distraction. We had a lovely walk on the beach in the evening and had pizza and red wine sitting on the sand (it even stopped raining eventually). Fresh sea air, two chilly sea swims, chatting, laughing, a bit of crying, wine and pizza. It was just what we needed. Amazingly, the following day, we saw two huge pods of dolphins close by the shore as we were sitting looking out to sea. It was absolutely magical.

I had my first chemotherapy session 8 days ago. I am just turning the corner of feeling well enough to write this, and to do anything really. It was been a rough week! The session itself was ok, except feeling really anxious about the treatment. These are unpleasant poisons. I was so worried about what they were going to do to my insides. But one thing they are doing, hopefully, is battering this cancer. And that is the only important thing in all this.

I’ve spent all my life nourishing my body and looking after it. Ive been vegetarien all my adult life, always been very fit and active. How did this happen? I do feel really sorry that my body is now having to cope with all these chemicals flowing through, and believe me, it is not happy with me at all. I wont go into details but I have had massive tummy issues, irregular heart rate which I needed to go in for an ECG for and huge headaches. I’ve been dehydrated (probably causing the heart rate issue) and everything tastes foul, including cheese! (like I’ve been chewing paracetamols). Its been white toast and water mainly over this week. Oh and imodium and sick pills and paracetamol. Yum. I am really bad at feeling poorly. Because I’m just not used to it. I have no patience for it as I have things to do. But, I am learning to lie on the sofa when I need to. I havent had much choice this week!

But, Im through the other side (hopefully) of this first round. I have booked a couple of PT sessions in for the end of the week, I’ll be able to go and instruct even if I wont be swinging 10 kg kettlebells around just yet. I hugely miss normality, and being in the park and seeing my people. It is such a massive part of my life.

I am lucky, even through all this shit, because this is being treated and hopefully cured. Many people don’t get so lucky. I have lost three friends in the last few years to breast cancer. I have got plans and things to do. I’ve got my gorgeous grown up boys and my eldest has just got engaged (on my birthday) so I have got so much to look forward to. My partner, family and friends are amazing and I feel so loved. Times like these (Foo Fighters) really make you take stock of your life and who and what is important.

Also, please don’t just rely on mammograms. This wasn’t picked up. Check yourselves and get to know what is normally there and not there.

Onward and upwards, one day at a time., one step at a time. We have bloody got this xx

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