Hello again, I had round 4 of my chemotherapy 2 days ago and as I didn’t write anything after round 3, I thought I would post an update. This isnt meant to be a pity party at all, it is just an honest account of my last few weeks and it might help someone going through this and to know that going through bad patches are normal.
Round 3 was difficult and I really hit a low, which is why I didn’t feel like writing anything. I think I just went down a bit of a hole mentally. My body was tired and uncooperative, but the main thing was how I felt mentally. I felt like I had come so far but still had so far to go and questioned whether I had another 3 rounds left in me. I was feeling tearful and overwhelmed by everything. The diagnosis, treatment and long-term implications of both.
Recently, someone I cared about died in her mid-40s from cancer and watching her funeral made me so very sad. I felt desperately sad for her friends, family and young daughter but also, selfishly for myself (what if my treatment doesn’t work etc). I guess it made it all feel very real and that we just don’t know what is around the corner. This process has undoubtably highlighted the important things in life and that we need to live in a way that we wish and makes us happiest (as much as possible). Life can be so cruel and unfair!
In the last three weeks I haven’t done much self-care, not played my guitar, not read my book much, not meditated, and just have not felt like me. But that gets into a viscous circle, the less you do, the less you feel like doing and the worse you feel! I went for a massage at the amazing Cancer Care a couple of weeks ago and when the therapist asked me how I ‘really’ was. I cried, a lot. It all just flooded out like a bit tidal wave. I did feel better though! I’m now booked in for some counselling instead of massage.
Many of us put on a brave face don’t we, sometimes we don’t know we are doing it. We just get through things and take a deep breath, which we do need to do. But I think it is so important to talk openly about how we feel about these situations, about how totally shit it is, without trying to protect how others feel. For the link to the cancercare website click here.
I was missing my life, and normality. I miss swimming, hiking, running, concerts, going out. It will be so good getting those things back. I’m such an active, busy person normally so it feels like I’ve lost who I am a bit. But making plans helps me to see that these things will return. I am working from home and that gives me some focus and direction and a bit of normality.
This appointment made me go home and plan how to help myself and get myself out of this hole. However many help groups etc we are in, ultimatly we have to help ourselves. I am back to meditating twice a day which I had been doing for around a year. I love making time for this, it is like a mind reset every day. I’ve got my new books out. I try to walk every day anyway, even if it just around my estate, it helps so much.
We have booked a weekend away and plan to go camping in a few weeks for two nights and to go away after chemo before surgery. I’ve planned to meet up with a friend (we have never met before) I have made on the breast cancer support forum; we chat several times a day. We are on the same treatment and number of rounds so we constantly swap notes. It is a huge help. I can’t wait to meet you, Tracey!
On round 4 it was discovered that my magnesium is low, so I am now taking supplements and I do think that is improving how I am feeling. I do feel more positive now, I have to. The treatment does seem to be working and the oncologist agrees that the lump is smaller, which is great. Chemotherapy is very brutal but very clever, and it does work for so many people!
I am waiting for an MRI and to see the surgeon to discuss what surgery will be needed. There is still a long road ahead, but I am now over halfway through the chemo bit! Only two more yukky cocktails left.
Onwards and upwards. It’s the only way. I am forever thankful for the wonderful people in my life, and I know I am very lucky to have them. I am feeling much better now I am planning things and that I can see an end to this first part of my journey 😊
To read about session 2 click here