I can see the end…. A few days ago, I had chemo round 5 infused into my veins. I am still sitting here on my sofa looking out into the garden. The weather has changed a bit since those first couple of posts. The sky is still blue (today!) but the temperature has dropped a bit. My hydrangeas have faded and my chillis gave up the ghost after being munched by too many slugs! My beautiful sunflowers are blooming though and being visited by bees! I love seeing bees in my garden.
Before this recent infusion my magnesium and phosphate had dropped quite a lot. I started taking supplements, but it soon became apparent that they were badly affecting my (already unhappy) tummy. So, after trying them for a week or so I stopped them. The magnesium did start picking up a bit, but the phosphate was still very low, so infusions were discussed. The affect on my tummy from the supplements had made it drop even lower. After a repeat blood test, and it was marginally improved, we are holding off on the 6-hour infusion. Which I’m pleased about!
I’m trying to eat iron, magnesium and phosphate rich foods, which is tricky when you don’t have an appetite and when I feel like eating something it is usually something quite random!
I am feeling better mentally this time round, I can see an end to part one of this shitty journey. There is a long way to go yet and there will be plenty of low points I’m sure, but I feel like this part is being ticked off as done. My PICC line will be able to be removed. It will be great to have a soak, maybe a little swim when I feel up to it, and generally have my arm back!
I absolutely can’t wait to start getting back to my usual activities, in whatever shape they take now. I will need to recover from surgery and radiotherapy and continue with 3 weekly injections or infusions for 8 months. Some normality will hopefully return back after what seems like a very long time. Of course, there is still worry about what the chemo is doing to my heart and other bits of my body, and what I will be like afterwards. Apparently, we are never the same, it will be a new normal. But I can work with that. The drugs seem to be affecting my eyesight, but the oncologist has said it should improve after treatment finishes.
An MRI was performed last week to check progress, still waiting for results of that, and then am due to see the surgeon regarding what surgery will be required. Fingers crossed the little beast is being destroyed!
Due to how I was feeling mentally, I signed up to do a course with MacMillan called The Hope Programme. It covers all sorts of helpful topics, dealing with stress, reframing thoughts and mindfulness. It is proving beneficial to me now. I’ve also started my counselling with Cancer Care which is good to do. It just provides a safe space for me to let go of things that are running through my head, without overloading friends or family and stops things building up. The link to The Hope Programme is here.
We enjoyed a nice night away camping in Hawes just before this round. We had a fire pit and sat out for the evening drinking non alcholic red wine. It was really cold, and the weather turned during the night but it was so nice to get away from the house for a bit and do something normal (for us!). We watched a barn owl flying over our campsite. Wonderful! Looking forward to more nice times.
I think many of us are not good at self-compassion and that is another thing I have been learning to do. Give myself a break. If not now, then when? I am back to meditating and need to get my guitar out again. It is tricky with the PCC line as it rubs against the guitar. Ill get back to it though. Bit by bit. A link to other posts is here.
