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Once active treatment has finished, many people are left with a ‘Now what’ situation. The frequent appointments and check ins reduce or stop and you are left with a feeling of being wrung out. Immediately after finishing treatment I rang the bell after radiotherapy and was so relieved and pleased it was over. I was keen to get back to normal….running, hiking up mountains, going out. I am still hugely relieved and pleased it is over; however, I certainly haven’t been able to jump back into my normal life like before.

Many people have asked me if I ‘feel back to normal now’. And although they say this with love and care, it’s so hard to answer. We are never back to normal after going through cancer. It is a new normal, an adapted version. Even without the tamoxifen (I’ll come to that delight later), I’m fatigued from the aftermath of treatment, I’m aching, I feel quite traumatised sometimes, although this is starting to lift. Of course, I remain totally grateful and feel extremely lucky that the treatment worked as far as we know, although there are no guarantees with cancer! So, I end up just saying I’m fine and doing what I can. I doubt I will ever get my fitness back to what it was or run any more marathons, but I’m learning that I can do some things and I accept that. But am I back to normal? No.

I get the most all consuming fatigue some days that I feel like I can’t do anything. Some days are better than others. Some days I feel like I can walk (slowly) up a big hill, other days I can’t. I’m learning to go with it and listen to my body, which I do find frustrating but it’s all a learning curve.

This week I attended a Moving on from cancer workshop at Cancer Care. There were around 10 women there in the post treatment phase. We all talked about our treatment and how we felt, physically and emotionally. It was good to hear that I wasn’t alone in how I was feeling. The leader recommended reading an article by Peter Harvey, click here for the link. I read it when I got home and it really rung true.

I don’t want this to sound all doom and gloom. It absolutely is not that. I am enjoying getting back to the things I missed like meeting friends, hiking, food, going to gigs and spending time with Paul and the boys (and girls) but it all must be toned down a bit. I try and meet friends during the day now as I’m too tired in the evenings. I’ve left my job at the surgery and just do my Personal Training and some self-employed nursing. But I am starting to say no to too much work. This has taken a while, but I started to feel unwell as I was trying to do so much. I am used to squeezing so much into my week that it was a bit of shock that I could no longer do that.

I am attending counselling at Cancer Care now as I was feeling quite low in mood and struggling to adjust. Being able to talk openly in a safe space without feeling that I am complaining or dragging anyone down, is good for me. Some days I feel rage, some days I feel sad, and other days I feel a lot better.

I am still on some treatment, the zoledronic acid infusions are every six months for three years. I have had three now, with three to go and they are to help prevent any reoccurrence in bones and to increase bone strength. Going into the oncology unit to have the infusion and sit there in the same chairs I had my chemo is difficult. Watching everyone else go through it makes me feel very sad. But apart from feeling very achy and headachy that week, they don’t seem to bother me too much physically.  Although it’s hard to pinpoint what is causing what complaint. I have neuropathy in my fingers and toes from chemotherapy and struggle to open lids, cans and bottles. My eyes have got much worse after chemo too.

The tamoxifen is not a pleasant drug, but it is effective. I had a drug holiday in autumn last year for my son’s wedding and I did feel much better. The oncologist however told me in no uncertain terms that I absolutely need to be on it as my cancer was very hormone driven. Not only am I getting the hormone blocking effects of tamoxifen, but I’m also dealing with the coming off my lovely HRT which had made me feel so much better! Tamoxifen can also cause weight gain which I have been struggling with a bit but Im trying to remember to be kind to myself.

The night sweats seem to be coming under control, I do still have a couple of drenched nights a week but not every night like previous months, and I don’t need to sleep on a towel anymore! I get frequent headaches and a lot of joint, bone and muscle pain especially in my back and one hip. It was bothering me so much that I had a bone scan ordered by the oncologist but just showed degenerative changes, no spread thankfully. But that is a constant worry. I have annual MRI and mammograms which I had for the first time in December, and all was good. It is stressful having those scans, but I am so glad to have them.

I try to do a yoga session at least once a week. I try and run when I can but not more than once a week and only a couple of miles (with rest breaks!). How I used to run in double figures I never know. I walk every day, hike at weekends some days further than others! Being active is so important to me, and I’ve accepted that it’s not at a level it used to be but it all helps, mentally and physically.

I am still meditating at least daily and I love it. It’s been hard to do as I often get distracted, but it is getting easier to just sit and breathe. I am also writing a gratitude diary. Every night I write one thing I am grateful for and one thing I feel good about myself for. Sometimes its little things like I practised my guitar, other times its big things like people in my life, a warm house or that my treatment worked.

I am in the process of putting my house on the market and relocating to be near the lakes. At Christmas we spent so many days in the cold sunshine getting out for some fabulous walks and it has made me think that it is what I want to do. A new start in a way. Less working, more walking. Sounds like a bloody good plan to me!

Penyghent, not the lakes but beautiful none the less.

Yesterday marked a year to the day that I had my first dose of chemotherapy. It is a strange feeling and a bit emotional. The last year has been very odd. I feel like although it has been a blur I can also remember exactly how I felt through certain times like it was yesterday. The fear, the lack of control, the feeling so poorly, the lack of sleep even though I was shattered, the lack of normality (and hair!), the sadness and worry of my family, the being in and out of hospital for more infusions due to the chemo depleting me, the not being able to eat or drink much more than ice lollies, yoghurt and Special K, the chemical smell that followed me around for 5 months and just not knowing what each day would bring.

However, I also remember my support systems: my partner, my friends, my family and the glimmers of hope that things were going to get better and the intensive treatment was going to work. I enjoyed my garden from the sofa and loved seeing things growing. I didnt enjoy the slugs eating my chillis (remember them!??)

I’m a little tearful as I write this blog. Happy tears mainly, and I am emotional about most things at the moment! I have been told I have some PTSD from all the treatment. I am unable to park in the hospital car park as it floods me with anxiety of going into the oncology unit for treatment. This Monday will be my last Herceptin injection which I have been having every 3 weeks for a year. Every time I go to the unit, I smell that smell, and it takes me right back to that time. I had to get rid of my sofa throw as, even though it had been washed, it smelled of chemo and I couldn’t cope with it.

But here I am, exactly a year on. I’m healthy, my hair is growing back (kind of wildly!) and I am finding my joy again in the things I have missed. I am doing my PT sessions in the park with the loveliest clients, and I love it. We have returned to gigs, having holidays, meeting friends for walks and swimming. I’m not up mountains, running or cycling yet but I’m sure that will happen in time. We had a fantastic trip to Alnwick recently where we went on a boat trip to the Farne Islands and saw the puffins. Cute little guys 🙂 and got pecked on the head by cross turns protecting their nests.

https://www.farne-islands.com/

I am fatigued and a little achy from the drugs (not to mention the night sweats, thanks tamoxifen!) and treatment, but I am enjoying my life. The last year has taught me a lot. I am finding joy in the simplest and smallest of things, appreciating everything and everybody in my life who I align with. Saying no to things I can’t feel like I can manage is part of learning self-compassion, I have finished my counselling through cancer care and have moved onto CBT via the NHS talking therapies. It is helpful. I am also still mediating.

My boy surprised me in March by coming back from Australia a month earlier than I expected him to. He was waiting for me on the stairs when I came home from work. After recovering from a near heart attack when I opened the door, it was fabulous to see him. He missed most of my treatment with being in Australia for 10 months, which I am glad about. I didn’t have to put on a brave face when I felt like crap.

I am nourishing myself inside and out now. Recovery will take quite some time and I won’t be the same person as I used to be but in some ways that’s a positive thing. Things like this make us grow as people and apreciate what is important in life, and what really isn’t.

I feel so grateful, I say this a lot, but I feel it in every cell, for the people who have pulled me kicking and crying through this shit show and that the amazing treatment worked. It had helped me hugely to share my story in the last year. It was like emptying my head of all my thoughts, and if that has helped some people along the way then even better! So, lets grab life by the balls and make it count!

Mindfulness, meditation and me.

Before my diagnosis I had started doing a bit of meditation and mindfulness. But I wasn’t really motivated or invested in doing it regularly. I found it hard to concentrate on sitting or lying still with thoughts coming and going and I was easily distracted.

However, I made a conscious effort to stick with it and like muscles, which get stronger the more you use them, meditating became easier too. When I got my diagnosis on 28^th May 2024 I felt many emotions, shock, fear, uncertainty, and many more. Practising meditation every day really helped me to control my worries and sit with my anxieties, but it has taken a lot of practice.

Meditation can be practised in many ways, sometimes I like to sit in silence and other times I like to use my apps on my phone, Headspace and Balance,. These apps guide you through different meditations, such as body scans or breath focus. The goal is not to stop thoughts from happening, as this is impossible. But to let thoughts in and let them pass without attaching much thought or feeling to them. I like to visualise a stream with leaves floating down it, I put thoughts on a leaf and let them carry on down the stream.

I have been meditating regularly for a year now and do it most days, sometimes twice a day. If I don’t do it, I notice and miss it. It has become a routine that really helps to ground me and keep my emotions and thoughts in check. It’s a brilliant way to reconnect with myself and to slow down. We all have busy lives, but it feels good to break away from it sometimes to sit and breathe.

If meditation seems a step too far then practising mindfulness in every day life can be a great start. When walking, notice the trees, flowers, birds singing. Trying to engage all my senses with what I see, hear, smell, feel when I walk is becoming habitual. I walked home from work yesterday and almost every person who walked past me was on their phone. I find it sad that so many people don’t look up anymore. They don’t make eye contact or say hello or connect with their surroundings. Surroundings are so beautiful at this time of the year. Daffodils are popping up, lambs are starting to voice their high-pitched bleats, snowdrops are growing. Today, the sky is blue, and the sun is shining and making beautiful colours in the trees.

I did a short mediation with a client this morning, who suffers from anxiety. We sat on our mats (she lay down) after stretching, next to the daffodils, listening to the birds singing. We just did 8 minutes of guided mediation from my Headspace app. It felt amazing and she really enjoyed it. It made me happy to share this with someone who I think would get a lot of benefit from it. I really I think all of us benefit from it. If you haven’t tried it I can hugely recommend it and stick at it if you feel it isn’t for you. It has made a big difference to how I have coped with last year’s difficulties and getting back to being myself this year.

So, it’s now been 3 weeks since finishing my radiotherapy and ringing the bell. I am now part 4 -the rebuild! I am on a mission to put myself back together and enjoy my life. This week I had my first zoledronic acid infusion (to help prevent cancer recurrence in my bones). I had been warned it may cause flu like symptoms, and they were not wrong! I went to bed Monday night fine and woke up at 4am Tuesday with headache, nausea and aching bones. It’s now Wednesday evening and I’m feeling much better. I’ve even manged to do two PT sessions in the park.

Its so lovely getting back to my usual things. I haven’t been back to outdoor swimming yet but before radiotherapy I went to the pool a couple of times for some swims. I’ve been hiking as much as possible and had a fabulous snowy hike up Raise last weekend.

I’ve been out for a meal and getting back to looking for films at the cinema and concerts. I am starting to feel like myself again. A couple of people have said that the spark has returned in my eyes. This is lovely to hear. Seeing friends more again is great and I’m planning to return to small runs and outdoor swims. There is a pottery course that I fancy having a go at and I have dropped a day in the office to make more time for my Personal Training. My electric guitar is starting to get a bit more use!

I have just returned from a fabulous reflexology session with my lovely friend Helen, who is very intuitive. She said she had thoughts of golden scaffolding…I must be rebuilding myself.

A friend said to me this morning, that prior to this, I’d be quite stressed about small things. But since diagnosis I have not seemed stressed about things, even having cancer. Its an odd thing. Its something so big, but I felt quite calm (most of the time, don’t get me wrong, I really did have my moments!) I think once I had a plan of treatment and started it, I was in survival mode and just getting through each stage and sometimes just getting through each day.

I did not want cancer to get the better of me and I tried my best to carry on doing just some of the things that make me who I am. Even in the middle of chemotherapy when I felt dreadful, I made myself walk round the estate and do some work. I am still having three weekly injections until the end of June and the infusions carry on for three years, but I can build up my life around those things and get some normality back.

Self-care has played a huge role in this cancer journey, but it’s been difficult at times to keep remembering to do it. I slipped out of my meditation for a while, and it showed. I am now back to daily sessions, and it is so helpful at grounding and slowing thoughts down. I’m still having counselling sessions with lovely Jan from Cancer Care and these have been so helpful, talking about things unrelated to cancer as well as cancer talk. The link to Cancer Care is here.

Reading self-care books has also been helpful to reframe things and reduce worry. I am reading The Fear Cure, by Lissa Rankin. It talks about cultivating courage as medicine.

It’s great to start planning things for this year. We are planning a break in Scotland in March, hopefully in lovely weather like it’s been today. I love holidays in the fresh air to reset yourself a bit. I have a pile of books that I want to read so holidays are a good time for that! My hair is growing back well now. Its warmer now when I go out so usually make do with one hat rather than two!

My youngest son will be returning from his year long trip to Australia in May so I’m very much looking forward to giving him a huge squeeze. My oldest son is getting married in September so I’m currently looking for a dress to match my pink shoes 😊

There are lots of things to look forward to in this new year. And they will be appreciated even more now.

A link to my previous post is here.

Yesterday I completed part 3 -radiotherapy and finally got to ring that bell! It has been a long time coming. Since 28^th May 2024 most of my time has been involved in appointments, treatment and procedures. I feel like I am starting to get my life back, with a slightly new normal but still it feels good.

Following my surgery in November, I got all clear, there was no sign of cancer in the tissue they had removed from my breast or my lymph nodes. That was the best result I could hope for. The nasty chemotherapy had done its work and zapped all signs of cancer. There is always the chance that some cells had escaped detection which is why I needed the radiotherapy follow up after I had healed.

The radiotherapy was given in Preston hospital at the Rosemere Cancer Centre. Click here for the Rosemere Cancer Centre link. I attended for an introductory session with the nurse practitioner who explained everything including the breath hold (as it was in my left side, I needed to protect my heart). She explained the machines and the side effects. I was then sent for a planning scan a couplke of weeks later which involved a CT scan to do some measurements and positioning. I did some breath holds so that they check my position and was given my five appointments for treatment.

I started on a Friday and turned up nervous. The unknown can be anxiety provoking, especially as I was concerned I wouldn’t be able to hold my breath long enough and my heart would get fried! The radiologists were lovely and very patient. Once I relaxed a little, I was able to do the breath holding fine. The session starts with a scan to check positioning and then the radiotherapy treatment comes at you from both sides, one at a time. The actual treatment doesn’t last very long, and I was generally out of the treatment room after 30 minutes. Having sessions every day for five days feels intense, I think I will be hearing the radiologists voices for a while. They spoke to me through the intercom ‘When youre ready Sadie take a deep breath in and hold’. They had nice voices. I think the way people speak to you makes a huge difference to the experience. I told them this and thanked them.

My last session was yesterday and I finally got to ring the bell. It was a little emotional and other patients and staff clapped. Afterwards we went for breakfast and a celebratory walk up Nicky Nook. It was a perfect cold but bright sunny day. It felt like a really nice thing to do to mark the end of the treatment.

I was told that the side effects may start in a week or two. Fatigue being the main one but also some skin problems, burns. Itching and some pain in the area. So far, I’ve been quite fatigued and had some intermittent sharp pains under my arm but apart from that I feel ok now.

I’m looking forward to planning a holiday in March, getting back to swimming at Capernwray, getting back to some running and starting some new clients in the park for PT sessions.

Having treated myself to an electric guitar and amp after Christmas, I’m getting busy practising with that and scaring the cats! I still have treatment for a long time, but it is all preventative. Herceptin injections continue until June and zometa infusions every 6 months for three years. Tamoxifen stays for 10 years (9 years and 10 months left!) Onwards and upwards. I remain so grateful for the treatment. Apart from a few small issues the NHS has been fantastic, and my treatment has been effective and although challenging,

I have scars, my hair is starting to coming back, and I have some side effects from the tablets but I am here to tell the tale. I’m very lucky to have had all this treatment. In the middle of my chemotherapy, I thought I would never get to this stage, I just couldn’t see an end to it. But here I am, looking back at that time and looking forwards into 2025 and hoping to make up for last years lack of fun!

Click here to read my previous post.

Last week we had a fabulous holiday in Wales before Part 2 -the surgery. It was great to be walking the coast path every day and watching seals and dolphins from Nefyn and Anglesey. As well as being good for my body, it was so good for my mind. It gave my brain a break from worrying about what was going on in my life and appointments etc. I felt like myself rather than a patient. Log fire, reading, lovely accommodation, nice food (that tasted good), even some wine. Just what we needed and a nice recovery from chemo 😊

Of course, the day after we got home, I was in hospital for a pre op assessment and my phesgo injection which is part of the chemo which carries on until into May/June. I was then told my magnesium level had dropped lower than when it was low at my last chemo session, so I needed to go for another infusion the following day. I was disappointed as I had thought it was returning to normal and had a walk planned in Austwick with my friend Lindsay.

We managed to meet early and walk locally for an hour before my infusion, we can’t miss these nice cold sunny days can we! The infusion was done in three hours, and I was on my way.

Next day was operation day. I had had a magseed inserted into the offending boob a couple of weeks ago but unfortunately this had moved out of position so the morning of the operation I had to go and have a wire inserted in Lancaster, then drive to Kendal for the operation. I turned up at the breast clinic at 8am and they started the procedure (a wire is inserted under mammogram so they can see where its going). Unfortunately (again) the wire wasn’t close enough to the seed that was in there.

The poor practitioner kept saying how dense my breasts are, so it was a real struggle for her (and me!!). I had to have two wires inserted in the end. Even that last one was hit and miss but she said she’d never had to do 3 wires before. After the final mammogram to check position, she was happy enough with it and said the surgeon could work with that.  These stay there and need surgical removal. So, I was taken up to Kendal with two seeds and two wires (sticking out) in my boob. I needed these because the chemo had worked so well there is no visual lump, so the surgeon needed to know which bit to remove in surgery.

I was admitted, seen by the usual medical team and given some lovely green surgical stocking to wear. Being first on the list I was taken away down to theatre at lunchtime. The staff were lovely and made me feel at ease. Before I knew I was back on the ward, a bit groggy and sore but was given morphine which helped. By evening I was back home on the sofa.

Today I am sore and bruised but very glad that this part is done. It will be 3 weeks before I get the results to check if the margins and lymph nodes are clear. From that it will be decided if I need anymore surgery or if I go straight to radiotherapy.

I am back on my sunny sofa, trying to rest and trying not to do much with my left arm. The part where the lymph nodes were taken seem to be the most painful bit. I’ll rest up and try to behave myself 😊

The last push! We did it! This last round has been erm eventful. My body seems to be complaining more and more each time, I can’t say I blame it!

A couple of weeks ago I had an over night temperature so went into casualty on advice from the oncology helpline. Chest Xray, blood cultures, urine test, swabs etc could not find where the infection was but did find me still low in magnesium and potassium. So, after several hours, IV and oral antibiotics and a few weak cups of tea, I was given a magnesium infusion and sent home.

The casualty experience was not good. It was busy, full of people on beds in corridors. I wasn’t seen for quite a while even though I have an emergency card suggesting I get IV antibiotics within an hour of arriving in case I had neutropenic sepsis (I didn’t have that luckily). After being careful not to mix in public for so many months, I was convinced Id leave that place with more than I went in with. And I did!

After a few days of antibiotics, I realised my tummy wasn’t having any of it so ended up having to stop those. I then got a call from the oncology unit saying I needed to go for potassium infusion the following day. I was getting used to a few trips to the hospital each week by then!

Since my diagnosis in May I’ve been chatting online to someone I ‘met’ on the breast cancer support Facebook page. We chat every single day as we have the same diagnosis and are on the same treatment, just 5 days apart. We decided some time ago to have a meet up at a halfway point so we met in Chester for lunch and a potter. It was so lovely as we felt we already knew each other well. We got on great and covered all topics of conversation. Cancer is a shit journey but sometimes you can find positives to come out of it, and Tracey is one of them. I’m certain we will be friends for life.

After some mix ups with getting an appointment with the surgeon, I eventually got my MRI results which were great! I have had a complete response to the chemotherapy, so the tumour is not visible on the scan at all. It is the best result I could hope for. Well done, little body!! Surgery and radiotherapy are still needed, but it will be a lumpectomy. I now have my date for surgery and awaiting a date for the mag seed to put in.

My final chemo was due Tuesday 8^th October, but I ended up picking up Covid! No doubt it was from my casualty visit. So, chemo and surgery both delayed. I was so gutted about this and had been counting down the days when I could have my PICC line removed. But I was not feeling well enough to be pumped with chemicals, I had a cough and headache and just generally feeling unwell. I was unsure what was Covid and what was generally post chemo hangover!

The good news is (besides the scan), my potassium is picking up and my magnesium should follow now my tummy is more settled. Until it gets upset again! One last time! Having chemo feels like a two-week food poisoning with a side order of flu. I absolutely cannot wait to not feel like that anymore.

We had a lovely weekend in the Lakes before my chemo and walked around Buttermere, beautiful. I was longing for a swim but that will have to wait! It just fills me up, walking in beautiful places, I don’t think I ever took it for granted but I breathe in every moment now.

I eventually had my final chemotherapy last Monday. I have crossed many finish lines before but feel like I’ve never quite limped across one feeling this battered! But the end is in sight, just get through this round of recovery then hopefully a little holiday in Wales before my surgery. My Picc line is now out so Ill be able to have a little dip in the sea perhaps! 😊

It feels a long time since my diagnosis in May, we went to Alnwick and sat on the beach with pizza and wine. We swam in the sea, laughed, cried, talked and tried to prepare ourselves for the journey to come. But here we are, still standing, and ticking off this first part. I feel quite tearful at the moment knowing this episode is done and that it has been working. It is a huge relief. The link to that first post is here. https://www.runninggirl.co.uk/how-can-it-be-cancer/

As always, thank you so much to the people in my life who are helping me through this. I will never forget. The oncology team have also been amazing. Anyone having to go through this, you are in good hands.

I can see the end…. A few days ago, I had chemo round 5 infused into my veins. I am still sitting here on my sofa looking out into the garden. The weather has changed a bit since those first couple of posts. The sky is still blue (today!) but the temperature has dropped a bit. My hydrangeas have faded and my chillis gave up the ghost after being munched by too many slugs! My beautiful sunflowers are blooming though and being visited by bees! I love seeing bees in my garden.

Before this recent infusion my magnesium and phosphate had dropped quite a lot. I started taking supplements, but it soon became apparent that they were badly affecting my (already unhappy) tummy. So, after trying them for a week or so I stopped them. The magnesium did start picking up a bit, but the phosphate was still very low, so infusions were discussed. The affect on my tummy from the supplements had made it drop even lower. After a repeat blood test, and it was marginally improved, we are holding off on the 6-hour infusion. Which I’m pleased about!

I’m trying to eat iron, magnesium and phosphate rich foods, which is tricky when you don’t have an appetite and when I feel like eating something it is usually something quite random!

I am feeling better mentally this time round, I can see an end to part one of this shitty journey. There is a long way to go yet and there will be plenty of low points I’m sure, but I feel like this part is being ticked off as done. My PICC line will be able to be removed. It will be great to have a soak, maybe a little swim when I feel up to it, and generally have my arm back!

I absolutely can’t wait to start getting back to my usual activities, in whatever shape they take now. I will need to recover from surgery and radiotherapy and continue with 3 weekly injections or infusions for 8 months. Some normality will hopefully return back after what seems like a very long time. Of course, there is still worry about what the chemo is doing to my heart and other bits of my body, and what I will be like afterwards. Apparently, we are never the same, it will be a new normal. But I can work with that. The drugs seem to be affecting my eyesight, but the oncologist has said it should improve after treatment finishes.

An MRI was performed last week to check progress, still waiting for results of that, and then am due to see the surgeon regarding what surgery will be required. Fingers crossed the little beast is being destroyed!

Due to how I was feeling mentally, I signed up to do a course with MacMillan called The Hope Programme. It covers all sorts of helpful topics, dealing with stress, reframing thoughts and mindfulness. It is proving beneficial to me now. I’ve also started my counselling with Cancer Care which is good to do. It just provides a safe space for me to let go of things that are running through my head, without overloading friends or family and stops things building up. The link to The Hope Programme is here.

We enjoyed a nice night away camping in Hawes just before this round. We had a fire pit and sat out for the evening drinking non alcholic red wine. It was really cold, and the weather turned during the night but it was so nice to get away from the house for a bit and do something normal (for us!). We watched a barn owl flying over our campsite. Wonderful! Looking forward to more nice times.

I think many of us are not good at self-compassion and that is another thing I have been learning to do. Give myself a break. If not now, then when? I am back to meditating and need to get my guitar out again. It is tricky with the PCC line as it rubs against the guitar. Ill get back to it though. Bit by bit. A link to other posts is here.

Hello again, I had round 4 of my chemotherapy 2 days ago and as I didn’t write anything after round 3, I thought I would post an update. This isnt meant to be a pity party at all, it is just an honest account of my last few weeks and it might help someone going through this and to know that going through bad patches are normal.

Round 3 was difficult and I really hit a low, which is why I didn’t feel like writing anything. I think I just went down a bit of a hole mentally. My body was tired and uncooperative, but the main thing was how I felt mentally. I felt like I had come so far but still had so far to go and questioned whether I had another 3 rounds left in me. I was feeling tearful and overwhelmed by everything. The diagnosis, treatment and long-term implications of both.

Recently, someone I cared about died in her mid-40s from cancer and watching her funeral made me so very sad. I felt desperately sad for her friends, family and young daughter but also, selfishly for myself (what if my treatment doesn’t work etc). I guess it made it all feel very real and that we just don’t know what is around the corner. This process has undoubtably highlighted the important things in life and that we need to live in a way that we wish and makes us happiest (as much as possible). Life can be so cruel and unfair!

In the last three weeks I haven’t done much self-care, not played my guitar, not read my book much, not meditated, and just have not felt like me. But that gets into a viscous circle, the less you do, the less you feel like doing and the worse you feel! I went for a massage at the amazing Cancer Care a couple of weeks ago and when the therapist asked me how I ‘really’ was. I cried, a lot. It all just flooded out like a bit tidal wave. I did feel better though! I’m now booked in for some counselling instead of massage.

Many of us put on a brave face don’t we, sometimes we don’t know we are doing it. We just get through things and take a deep breath, which we do need to do. But I think it is so important to talk openly about how we feel about these situations, about how totally shit it is, without trying to protect how others feel. For the link to the cancercare website click here.

I was missing my life, and normality. I miss swimming, hiking, running, concerts, going out. It will be so good getting those things back. I’m such an active, busy person normally so it feels like I’ve lost who I am a bit. But making plans helps me to see that these things will return. I am working from home and that gives me some focus and direction and a bit of normality.

This appointment made me go home and plan how to help myself and get myself out of this hole. However many help groups etc we are in, ultimatly we have to help ourselves. I am back to meditating twice a day which I had been doing for around a year. I love making time for this, it is like a mind reset every day. I’ve got my new books out. I try to walk every day anyway, even if it just around my estate, it helps so much.

We have booked a weekend away and plan to go camping in a few weeks for two nights and to go away after chemo before surgery. I’ve planned to meet up with a friend (we have never met before) I have made on the breast cancer support forum; we chat several times a day. We are on the same treatment and number of rounds so we constantly swap notes. It is a huge help. I can’t wait to meet you, Tracey!

On round 4 it was discovered that my magnesium is low, so I am now taking supplements and I do think that is improving how I am feeling. I do feel more positive now, I have to. The treatment does seem to be working and the oncologist agrees that the lump is smaller, which is great. Chemotherapy is very brutal but very clever, and it does work for so many people!

 I am waiting for an MRI and to see the surgeon to discuss what surgery will be needed. There is still a long road ahead, but I am now over halfway through the chemo bit! Only two more yukky cocktails left.

Onwards and upwards. It’s the only way. I am forever thankful for the wonderful people in my life, and I know I am very lucky to have them. I am feeling much better now I am planning things and that I can see an end to this first part of my journey 😊

To read about session 2 click here

Today, I am 6 days on from my second round of chemotherapy. After having a few days on the sofa feeling sorry for myself I thought I would write my blog. The sun is shining at last, although I can’t seem to tolerate the sun at the moment. I havent been out but have been lying on my sofa looking out at my garden and pots of flowers. I love this room; it is light and airy, and I enjoy lying here feeling the breeze through the door. The cats wander in and out frequently to meow at me or look at their food bowl.

I have lovely family photos on one wall and one of my mum’s fabulous paintings on another (clever mum). My sofa points towards the door so I can prop up on cushions and look straight ahead into my garden. The washing is drying on the line and my chilli plants are sunbathing. The ones that haven’t been eaten by slugs anyway! That is another story!

After seeing the oncologist last week, they decided to reduce my chemotherapy due to previous dehydration due to tummy issues. I was slightly reluctant in case it was less effective. However, they reassured me it was better than having a break in treatment due to side-effects.

I went a few days before my treatment, to have my PICC line inserted. This is a cannula that is fed into a vein in the arm and into a large vein in the chest, above the heart. I was not keen on having this, initially, but the medication is so toxic it can ruin perfectly good veins. My veins are lovely! So, I wanted to keep them. My hand is still sore and swollen from the first session, so I thought it the best option. It was supposed to me a half hour procedure, but in line with how my body reacts to medical things, mine wouldn’t go in! It got stuck somewhere near my shoulder.

After lots of pulling it out and pushing it back in it was eventually in but needed an Xray to check. I have now got used to the little friend in my arm and it doesn’t bother me unless I lean on it. It is much easier for treatment and bloods, and it should stay in until my final dose (that day cannot come soon enough).

A few days before treatment I also buzz cut my hair, as it had started falling out in clumps. When I say ‘I’, Jane popped round and did the deed in my back garden. It felt odd. To start with I was ok, it’s just hair. Then I wasn’t ok….. I looked like a patient.

Treatment day came and went. All went ok except I developed a rash which needed checking. I think my body was reacting to the steroids a little bit. I had some different sickness medications to take home this time. Tummy issues have returned but hopefully I can manage it without the dehydration this time. I stopped worrying about my lack of hair once I had feeling rough to worry about! Before my treatment started, I received a box of treats from a company called Little Lifts. It is for people going through cancer treatment. The bits in the box are wonderful and it contains things you wouldn’t know you would need. Lip balm, hand cream, mints, gentle toothpaste, hot pack and loads of other treats. I’ve dipped into this box many times and will do many times to come. Link to Little Lifts is here.

Helen picked me up after treatment with a wonderful bunch of sunflowers and cake. Friends and family messaged me often to check my well being and my wonderful neighbour Yasmin came round with homemade soup and healing thoughts.

Once again though I am turning a corner and starting to feel a little but more myself. Yesterday, my guitar came out for the first time in a while and played some of Boulevard of Broken Dreams. I’ve also restarted reading my book ‘Wintering’, Katherine May. Although we are in the middle of July, Wintering is around hibernating and hunkering down. That is exactly what I feel like doing at the moment. Resetting and healing myself. Sometimes we just need to listen to what our bodies need.